What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 02:24
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Im still living with it.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I was seconnd youngest,
What do bad boys know that nice guys don't?
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Who then, do I blame.?
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
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He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
So whats the point in blame.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
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Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
(And it was in our own minds.)
I couldn’t, believe it.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Why are black people seen as scary or a threat to some people?
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
She married twice! .
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One cannot hold on to bitterness.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
As i do to all so called friends.?
I waited trembling.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
But, we were locked up after school.
I don,t even have a pension.
She was in good health!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Ive learnt so much.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
And i lived it daily.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Comes on , in middle age.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I write beautiful poetry .
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Especially a lifetime of it.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I think the readers, may guess!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
What did i know ?
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
She loved him until the end.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
One cannot live in the past .
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I said to her
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
This is soul school!.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
All the time i was locked up.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I was 9 years of age.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
But it wasn’t much.
It was going to be , some day.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
But ive been too sick for many years..
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Put me off passion for life!!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I was very sick at this time too.
We were not on the streets..
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
We all went to grammer schools
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
My life is so biszare .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
So, i spoilt her more .
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Was to survive, this bastard.
My family never makes their pension either.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I could never make a relationship work though!
I was scared of men, in general
I never cut or harmed myself..
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
She found it foreign!.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
When she asked me how she looked .
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I have no regrets .
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I will be 64.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Would this be the day?
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
He knew the spot.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
She wouldn,t have been !
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
The only rule us 5 kids had .
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.